


Searching for Your Love

by littledipdip



Category: South Park
Genre: CW bullying, M/M, first person POV, my poor boi, this is kinda gay but more cute gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-08 07:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21472603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littledipdip/pseuds/littledipdip
Summary: Thomas has moved to South Park to start a new life because his mom felt it'd be for the best to move. Of course his anxiety goes rampant, and well, things go from bad to rather gay.
Relationships: Thomas (South Park: Le Petit Tourette)/Leopold "Butters" Stotch
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Searching for Your Love

**Author's Note:**

> I notice there's not enough content of this child and I wish to contribute, even if it's not much. I'm not the most decent writer but I hope it fulfills some reading content for anyone who wants some!  
Reminder: This is based from the First Person POV and from Thomas' perspective, thought I'd try something different.

It’s always on the difficult side when transferring towns and schools, especially when you’re considered the odd one out just for something you can’t control. My mom thought trying a smaller town where everyone knows you and is rather laid back, would be a good and new start to our life. In honesty, the thought of relocating to somewhere totally new and in a more small community environment actually unnerved me. As we had just moved a few days before deciding to enroll in the new school, I had barely enough time to adjust mentally to this situation, it was terrifying! I mean, to me it is but I'm rather a nervous individual.

I couldn’t stop focusing on the internal sensations, my entire body just had this tension trapped and I couldn’t shake it free. Every few seconds was a whole storm of vocalizations and twitches, my mom had experienced these often but I could tell it was much worse today. Every inch of my skin was covered with circulating electricity and fire.

“**C-COCK SHIT BITCH, FUCK ME**.”

It was exhausting at times, all I wanted to do was rest in a bath and go to bed, but given I start at my new school today, that was not an option. I was rather nervous to even touch up on hygiene due to how bad my condition was behaving. Imagine your anxiety or stress as being this smog and it’s suffocating, you desperately wish to cough and continually get that urge to do so, until you just give up and start doing it so much you ache. That’s about the most accurately felt analogy for me, personally, and not to mention the smog also reminds me of how I feel as though I’m being eyed in public.

  
  


“Tommy dear, you doing alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m alright, mom, you know me.”

“Alright, you got your things gathered up? You got your booked, writing utensils, lunch, medical ID bracelet?”

“Of course I do, you know I can’t go without any of those.”

She always had to be concerned, I know she loves and cares, but I guess my instinct overtime began to grow bitter. Despite that, I still loved her back, she had helped me through rough times even if she seemed preoccupied and unable to help me all the time. She always had to make sure I felt loved though, she feared I’d be gone some day due to societal pressures and personal issues, but could I really do that to her?

My heart, it was running laps at this point as I was realizing how close to time it was to attend to a new place...new kids, everything. Sometimes I just feel the urges come forth and as anyone with Tourette’s might say, it’s like sneezing at that point, once you feel it, a good 90% of the time it will come out anyways. My mom would cast me some concerned looks, she knows when my tics act up this bad, especially if I’m jerking a lot or moving my arms in potentially harmful ways, that I’m really stressed.

“It’s alright, mom, I promise, I got this,” is what I would try to assure her with, she worries too much and has to keep up bills enough by working excess. I can’t have her worry about me too, she has too much on her plate.

“I can’t help but _ to _ worry, after what’s happened to you.”

All I could do was let out a soft sigh and just roll with things, yeah I know it wasn’t an easy life since my issue began, but I can’t let it run my life like that. Besides, I had to try and think more about school, which thinking back at that only made me nervous again. Getting into my mom’s car- oh yeah, some times she’d do what she could to drive me to school instead of having me take a bus. She just felt it was safer and easier on me, though I felt it was a bit too much in the way to do that.

Watching the morning-lit streets zoom past as we finally got onto the main road, always gave me this sort of sense of calm. Albeit I knew what was happening this morning, drives always had this way of calming me down. You know, it’s odd, not a related topic but if I had to say something in honesty here, I can’t imagine life without my disorder; however, at the same time, I despise it. I wondered how I ever lived before it came into the picture, it’s such a foreign concept to obtain now. Apparently with me being 14 though, the doctor said my tics should stop becoming as severe and eventually dwindle to this side of nothing when I hit adulthood. That kind of leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, since I noticed it still acts up the same as it did when I was a preteen.

Having arrived at the school, of course my entire body was set to fight-or-flight mode, knowing my childhood and all, it wasn’t surprising. However, I had no choice in the matter, so I had to keep himself reasonably calm as to not further provoke my tics. We finally parked just outside the school’s gate entrance, it didn’t seem shabby honestly, so that was kind of a relief.

“You got everything? You know what to do if you get into trouble, right?”

“Yeah, I got everything and I’ll message or call you if I need to, **AH SUCK MY DICK**.”

“Alright, I trust you, have a good day.”

I wasn’t really fond of the kisses as much anymore but I knew my mom cared, again, she was always worried about my well-being. So I let her have it as usual, then I had to exit, my entire body and brain felt alerted. I just tried my best to suppress those goddamn urges, though not responding to it for even a solid minute was a challenge. As much as I had gone to therapy to better understand them, they would just continue being hellish.

“**OH SHIT, FUCK ME**-”

And there’s the cue of staring, any students outside that heard it, were of course giving me questioning glances, yet they hadn’t really done much. Though there were a couple bigger guys, bigger than me, staring longer and giving a sort of dark aura about them just by looking at me. I knew, I could sense it deep in the pit of my stomach, that familiar feeling to run again. Yet the twitches and audacious vocalizations that spilled out of me, would not quit despite the want to stay quiet and appear relatively “normal”.

Before I knew it, I was already being backed against a corner of the fence nearby and these larger, stockier teen males, were towering over me. God, I curse myself for having my issues I do, also for being smaller and looking more of a target, not to mention my natural anxious disposition seems to be a favorite for these kinds of predators.

“Um, d-did I say anything bad?”

That’s all I could muster out of myself at the time, not really able to keep a confidence among my being. Oh god my heart is pounding, daring to leap right from my chest and out of my throat, my stomach felt tangled in tightened knots. Every inch of my body felt cold, even though it’s fairly warm out. I knew it, I knew I was fucked now, it’s not even been a good 10 minutes and my mom had taken off shortly after dropping me off. I wish I had way more bravery than I do, I was a coward, a disgrace, I couldn’t even help myself out of this.

“Well, totally not, actually that was completely _ adorable _.”

Now this, was _ really _ unnerving, it was almost leaving me with a nausea I couldn’t shake free from. What were they going to do? All I know was, I had nowhere to run even if there were only two guys here, I was too scared now, petrified if you will. I couldn’t even air out a word without one of them tightly clasping a hand around my neck, making my instincts react with squirming.

“Why are you moving like that? Come on, where’s your words? Can’t you fight back with those?”

I tried my best not to give them a pursued reaction, I couldn’t! My disorder misbehaved though, of course it did, “**COCK FACE, ASS FUCK**-”

“There we go, that’s really cute, honestly. Can I get a few more before I continue?”

That mocking tone was sickening to me, reminded me of kids at my old school before I got placed into a specialized school...but they removed me and gave me a chance to try a public school. Only reason? My episodes were calming down for a while, they thought I could be safe to go here. My stomach flipped so many times, I thought I would get sick and just pass out. Notwithstanding the situation, I could feel that slight of courage creeping up, a sort of fire bubbling up within me.

“No...fuck you.”

“Ah, I see, a bit of spite, huh? You know what reward you get?”

Without another word or second to react, all I knew was I had a tighter grip around my throat. Then, it came, something I haven’t had to encounter in a long time, a direct jab to the left cheek bone. I could sense their overwhelming anger and misplaced energy. A sputtered cough came out of me from that, I reacted as I knew how though, even if I was a submissive nervous wreck. I felt the sneaking impulse, I wiggled a bit and kicked him where I could, taking a few tries before I finally smacked him square in the lower regions. Having my best attempt to do a harsh and brutal impacted move, it definitely threw the assailant off guard; however, as things went, the primary attacker was soon assisted by his backup, a strong and firm grip on my shins.

“Heh, again, cute for trying though, doesn’t help with how small you are.”

With another whack to the face and even my abdomen, I had the wind knocked right out of me and felt lightheaded for a moment. Groaning loudly, the intensity of the moment had made a few unwelcome words escape from my aching throat and mouth.

“**SH-SHIT, BASTARD FUCKING DICK**-”

“God, don’t you love this toy? He’s hilarious!”

“STEP THE FUCK OFF YOU ASSHOLES!”

Who...who said that? My mind was clueless, the voice sounded kind in a way, was someone coming to save me? I felt weakened from the abuse of adrenaline in my body, not to mention how rampant my tics have been since I woke up early from them. The sick feeling was still present and I could feel the inability to refrain from it, increasing. Before I knew it, I was dropped hard to the ground, the two guys ran off and muttered something between themselves as they took off. Oh god, it was getting unbearable, I always had a despise for feeling sick like this, but it would happen regardless. I just had to turn my sore neck and let it fulfill itself as needed, feeling much better as the nauseated feeling finally subsided albeit it made my throat and mouth burn some and left a disgusting taste in my mouth now.

“Oh Jesus! Are you okay?”

The voice was coming closer and I could hear the soft stepping noises on the ground, it was rushed stepping though. I was too dazed at this point to acknowledge but...I had to look to know who was coming. All I could do was groan at this point and lay back against the fence, unable to surface a reply just yet. Even if I felt like shit, I could feel a hand resting on my shoulder in an assuring manner. My eyes wouldn’t even stay open for the time being to look at the oncoming person properly.

“D-Do you need to see the nurse? You look awfully beat up...” the voice replied in worry and I could feel the tug of my arm as, what I assume, were both arms of the other person being wrapped around mine. Finally, I opened my eyes, they felt heavy though but I did it and got a glimpse of my newfound savior. For a second I had difficulty processing who I was seeing, but his features and voice gave me a comforting feeling and as if I could trust him. A bit on the feminine side, but not too much, about the same height as myself, and he...had a foggy colored eye that had a faint scar adorned on it. He didn’t seem muscular, he wasn’t that skinny though, somewhere in between the two. As I looked at him for a good minute, something in my chest began to surface, a sort of tightness. My head soon began to patch with fog as well, a loss of words and inability to get myself to speak. My urge to tic was practically lost for the time being, but my body was moving on autopilot in step with him as we headed to the nurse’s office.

The entire time, I could hear his voice but it wouldn’t get me to talk, if anything it just made me more choked up on speaking. Every sense in my body was this point of shut off, well it felt that way, I felt as if that was out of my control. However, finally I could get the power to speak again, my throat had this distracting lump in it though. Instead of what I wanted to say, it was an unfortunate first encounter for me.

“**SHIT, B-BITCH**-” is what slipped out of my damn mouth, I cursed my brain internally for that and my body got that anxious response and before long, that feeling turned into the least expected action. My legs sprinted to life and definitely sprinted, literally, making me unlatch myself from the hero’s grip I had been weakened by. All I could feel was that conflicting tension in my chest now, tears pricking at my eyes and my head a whole mess of words and emotions.

“W-Wait! You should get help for your wounds!”

I heard him, his warming and kind voice, the very one that rescued me from my first assault coming here. Yet my entire being felt attacked by some emotion I could not comprehend. I had to go into hiding in a nearby boy’s restroom, surprisingly empty at the current moment and that was my point I ran into a stall and locked it. What was I feeling? It was queer to me, it was uncomfortable and confusing; it was so overwhelming that my whole body slumped down to the floor, my butt meeting the cold tiles, and I just curled with my head into my arms and sobbing. Was I okay? I didn’t know, everything happened so fast, all too fast, honestly. My stomach felt in knots again, but it had an unnatural warmth to it, not like I was sick...just, it felt like an emotional burn, if that makes sense.

“H-Hey, new kid, are you in here? You didn’t look okay...”

Shit! He came in here?! I was still in an anxious state of emotions right now and yet hearing his voice was so relieving, it was immensely soothing to me and somehow my heart was leaping at a fast rate. I tried not to make a single sound, but of course my tics just had to react due to overwhelming surges of commotion internally.

“**OH COCK**-”

“Come on, it’s okay, I won’t hurt you,” he had soothingly tried to assure me, which just made me swoon. My eyes had obvious redness painted on them, my face sharing a red shade as well. The knocking on the stall came soon after and I nearly bolted up from my sitting spot. I...I could tell he meant what he was saying, but how should I react? I felt so flustered, my mind was spinning out of control, but I had to reply, I had no choice.

“I-I know...but I...ugh.”

Instead of just sitting there, I had to stand up, I might as well or else something would happen no matter what I did. With hesitation and aching muscles, I groaned as I rose up from the floor, sniffling softly. My hands were slightly shaking and I felt rather weak, yet something in me was keeping me from just collapsing out of fatigue from all of this. I reluctantly opened the lock and revealed my pitiful face, I hated having people see me during or shortly after crying my eyes out. Surely I’d get called some stupid name or something, at least that’s what I assumed.

“Oh...Oh jeez, you okay? You were cryin’, weren’t you?”

“Y-Yeah, but,” I replied in a tired voice, barely glancing up at him, “but I’m fine, I’m not weak, I promise.”

“It...It’s fine, I’ve been called weak and stuff before for cryin’ too, you know. I mean, you just got the shit beat out of you, I’d be cryin’ too.”

Something about our conversation was making me feel better, yet I still had my distrust with people. Of course such things were a constant struggle, so I kept my guard up in case he was leading into something; yet when I looked at him, my heart did the fucking leap thing again. I whimpered for a second, unintentionally and let out a couple slews of curses. I felt the urgency to apologize, “I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean-”

“No no, you’re fine, but why do you do that?”

“Oh um...uh,” I hesitated to give him the actual information but, no one really used it for any sort of vengeful or rumor based conversations, so I resumed with it, “I have a condition, it basically makes me do things I don’t mean to and it can get me in big trouble. Sometimes that’s why I get attacked or treated like what you saw earlier, I have Tourette Syndrome.”

“I think I’ve heard about it once, a long time ago, but it escapes me.”

His voice, god his voice, why did it make me feel that warmth in my stomach and chest? My face felt warm too, was I blushing? I had to test it real fast, I had to know if I was, because if so, oh dear god he would notice. But when I touched my face, he simply began laughing in a non-mocking manner.

“W-Why are you laughing?”

“Oh nothin’! I just thought it was kinda funny is all.”

Despite him saying it’s funny, that just made me feel more happy, in a way, not embarrassed, just amused but actually I felt this need to impress him. Why though? I literally just met this guy and yet I feel that? Am I really suffering?

“R-Really? Um, well, you know, I am completely a funny guy, I mean I guess!”

“I won’t doubt it, but I barely know you! You have a name, don’t you?”

“Oh um, my name’s Thomas, I came from around Denver. Uhhh, nothing special, mind me asking what your name is?”

“Ah, everyone just calls me Butters, has for years, it’s grown on me since I was little.”

“That’s an interesting name, I kinda like it.”

In honesty, despite how it started, my first day and all, I felt okay now after having met and began hanging out with my new friend. Every time I was around him, my heart beat felt like fluttering and I had butterflies flying around in my stomach. Sometimes the feelings would interrupt my proper speech processes and ability to form better sentences. He hadn’t really paid much mind to it though, which made me feel much better about that problem.

Come around the end of the day, we had more to talk about after plenty doing so throughout the day as we could allow. It was a nice replacement for the awful start to coming to school here, it made things way better than I initially imagined. As we began walking out, I texted my mom that maybe I can just walk home, it’d give me more time to get to know and be around my friend.

“So, why’d you move from near a big city to a small town?”

“Ah, my mom figured it’d be nice to try something more community based and less bustling, you know? **FUCKING ASS SHIT**\- I mean, I was willing to try, but I was so anxious as hell.”

“Heh, I imagine! I’ve never moved, all I’ve known was here, but I’ve rarely made true friends since I’ve lived here. I always felt like the odd one out, the black sheep of the community here. A few made me feel welcome but we sorta fizzled out.”

“Ah...I’m sorry...”

It was silent for a minute, that was until I heard Butters speak up with a slightly nervous tone. I had been zoned out mentally yet staring at the surroundings the entire time, though when he breached my forgone attention, that’s when I became alert.

“Ah, are you holdin’ my hand?”

My body went cold and my eyes began widening immediately when I caught onto that. My hand retracted itself quickly as it could, my itch to run off and hide was growing again and I recognized the panicking that circulated my brain and body. It wasn’t uncommon for me to do this, depending on the situation, this didn’t feel like a fight for survival, it was...different. Albeit it wasn’t that dreadful type of anxiety, my whole being went into an automatic dart for the closest hiding spot, pinpointing a store nearby with an alleyway. That seemed to be my best bet, I couldn’t let him notice I was feeling this way or even showing it! I didn’t even know what it was! It wasn’t normal, not for me, and I would hate to scare him. Again, I was tearing up and making that dash as quick as possible, tears stung my eyes as wind brushed past.

“T-Thomas! Come back! I’m so sorry!”

I just couldn’t, no way in hell would I face him after making that bold move. You know you’re an idiot, why would you allow yourself to be doing such a move?! No way would he want to be friends after that, not a chance. All I know is, hiding in lone areas was my best solace point, the only way to seek proper comfort and hopefully no one would find you. Once again, as soon as I found a nice desolate area behind a dumpster, I would lean against the cold brick wall and slide down. I didn’t know how else to vent my feelings, I hated to do it around others, I felt my mom had enough of hearing me speak of my constant struggles, I’m sure everyone else felt the same.

“Thomas, where did you go?”

I know I’m sobbing but I tried what I could to muffle it. A new friend didn’t need to see me be weak like this, he already saw me beat up and crying earlier. Sure he said he was okay with it, but my mind refused to fully believe it, as dumb as it might sound. As I was deep into my distress and loathing thoughts, I heard footsteps approaching, rushed ones again, and my immediate reaction was startled. I quickly looked up in fright and began freezing.

“Hey! Please don’t run off, I won’t hurt you or make fun of you, nothin’ like that.”

Now, I saw his worried expression, did he actually care about me? My doubting mind was overpowering, as it always was, and this played into my crying even more, my voice sounding stupid as hell as I began talking through a nasally and uneven voice.

“I-I...I should be the one who’s sorry...I-I’m dumb, I’m no one special. Y-You felt you had to save me, I can’t even save myself!”

“No...No Thomas, that’s not true, I did want to save you, but I know what it’s like to be attacked. I hate seeing other kids go through that, too. You didn’t even do anything on purpose!”

“Y-Yeah...sure, I know you’re just saying things, goddamn I hate myself sometimes...w-why do people have to save me?”

I just hated to look at him right now, a mix of anguish, confusion, excitement, warmth, and others I cannot describe were hitting me. I had to keep my head down and away from his line of sight, well more like my ability to glance at him with my eyes. Yet...I felt something around me, something warm and inviting, something nice. My hunch was to return whatever it was, which was a hugging gesture. All I could do was lament it out some more, arms securing themselves around the other male facing me. Why did this feel so good? I rarely felt this way with anyone hugging me, but he was different...something was pacifying about him.

“You’re a good guy, I barely know you that well, but I’m sorry you feel like this. You know...I kinda liked holdin’ hands...”

“I...really? I didn’t think you would...”

“I mean, I’m an affection fella, I guess you could say. It just feels nice to have someone who seems to mean it for what it is.”

“Um...w-well do you wanna do it on the way home? Wanna go to my place?”

“Sure! I’d love to make new friends!”

We got back to walking to my place, our hands holding one another and now my whole being was not only warmed and happy, but satisfied and feeling alleviated from the entire turmoil of a day. I was doubting this to be real life though, no one has ever been this kind or welcoming to me, let alone my need for affection. I may be bitter, but this guy had melted something special in me, something I’ve never experienced with anyone else. Was it normal to feel an odd yet palliative reaction to this? I don’t know for sure but not as if I regret what has turned out of this day.

I know it may seem to have gone too quick in just several hours, but I guess...if this is a form of love, maybe it can go at any pace, no matter who it is. As long as they respect and love you back, maybe it’s not a big deal if it starts off strong on the first day. 


End file.
